For the time conscious – this post is about a 7 minute read.
I leapt out of bed when my alarm went off. I’m no longer the type of person to hit snooze but I am rather fond of stretching, wriggling, scrolling – anything to delay getting out from underneath the covers.
I grabbed my phone and searched Audible for an audio book to assist me as I got ready for work.
If this action had taken place in 2017 it wouldn’t have surprised me. I used to automatically do this alongside ab exercises and a short yoga routine. This stopped not long into 2018 – and I welcomed an almost year long hiatus of actively developing myself. Physically, personally, mentally and spiritually.
I screwed up my face as I tried to recall why the sudden shift and my stomach quickly sank as I remembered. The evening before I struggled to sleep. My rest time was replaced with thoughts about life and loss. Questioning why most people, myself included, are so afraid of the one thing that is certain!
I’ve experienced death countless times and the increasing number doesn’t act as a buffer to your heart. Even hearing the word stings – sitting uncomfortably with me.
Although I went to sleep in a morose state, I awoke feeling switched on and focused. The night-time somewhat a distant memory. As I let the Les Brown (Motivational Speaker) ‘It’s You‘ audio fill my room – I inhaled the words. I had found a part of me that I didn’t know was lost.
I headed home from work that evening feeling strong, empowered and so content. I’m certain I skipped a little. And then….
I got dumped!
Dumped? I have visions of all the regular visitors to my blog looking confused!
To all the newbies – hello and welcome. I’ll give you a quick overview. I’d been single for over 11 years and as this is a blog about vulnerability, I’ve written about it in a number of posts (some previous blogs below). I’ve felt all the emotions that comes with being single for a significant period of time: blamed myself, my race, the dating culture of today, the London ‘swipe-swipe-next’ scene and even blamed a gypsy who I believed cursed me in Barcelona. Before I went back to blaming myself!
The Single Side of Me ❤️
The Dating Rollercoaster!
5 things single women (okay me) are tired of hearing 🤐
I’ve got a confession to make!I’ve got a confession to make!
Online Dating – Why do guys share their Uber rating? And other such questions!
Love may be colour blind but dating is not!
You see – I talk about being single a
fair bit A LOT.
Once on a date with someone from Bumble I found out that he was at an unfair advantage.
He accidently let slip that he managed to somehow come across my blog and proceed to read many of my posts. I did notice a sudden surge in post visits that week!
The rest of the date moved along in an awkward manner.
Hmmm – maybe all the above posts scared him!!
And I’m back in the room.
I got dumped and it came out of the blue.
The relationship wasn’t a long one and we hadn’t yet had ‘the talk’ but I did feel like perhaps the part of me that I had blamed, that had put up walls so I couldn’t get hurt, was starting to thaw. I was slowly letting someone in.
I went to bed that evening waiting for a flood of emotions to suffocate my sleep. They didn’t come. I did slightly question why I yet again couldn’t make it work and felt further away from meeting someone. As I closed my eyes to sleep, it dawned on me that my personal development morning came at the right time to hold me up and steer me away from blame.
That evening as once again life and loss circulated my thoughts, an image of my Dad appeared. Something clicked into place and everything made sense.
It doesn’t matter how hard you do or do not love.
How much or little you decide to give of yourself.
In the end there will be loss.
So love, love deeply in everything you do.
Own your actions, whilst you still have the chance.
I was ready to take these words and run with them.
There was a shift and I felt like a protective gauze had started to unravel around my heart. As the days started to run to the end of the year, for the first time ever when I said “Next year is going to be amazing” – I truly and authentically meant it.
2019 is going to be different but for that to happen I can’t just let life happen to me. Calling it fate when something goes right and moaning ‘woe is me’ when something goes against me.
To support this year, it’s time to get personal.
More personal with my:
- Development. In 2017 I was personal development crazy, there wasn’t a seminar, talk, course or book I could say no to. Which meant 2018 I went the other way, hence the hiatus. 2019 is about saying yes only to the things I want to as I did realise how much I missed having personal devleopment around – it is part of who I am. As soon as this decision was made:
- I got an email asking if I wanted to apply to crew for Tony Robbin’s UPW in April. I applied and got in.
- There was also an email about having some of my words feature in a book (watch this space).
- I got asked by a previous client if I would Life Coach them again (I never pursued life coaching after my qualification – I said yes).
- I participated in a 2 week public speaking challenge and saw the results immediately. My confidence with speaking in meetings increasing. From the challenge I won a 121 coaching prize which I’ve already taken and got some really useful personal guidance.
- I’ve been to the gym 7 times this month (which is more than I’ve ever done with a gym membership). Through this I’ve found that I bloody love Pilates.
- Feelings. A huge reason that I started this blog in 2017 was due to not being able to express my feelings and although I have improved over the 2 years, it’s time to ramp that up a notch.
- I have to learn to not only listen to my feelings but to trust what they are saying. Then purposely make a decision instead of deliberating or looking for a nod of approval from someone else.
- I also have to lead with authenticity and keep speaking up when I feel like I need to be heard. As uncomfortable as this may be – I will keep putting my words and actions out there.
- I have always found it easier to give my time, lend a hand, listen to others and struggled to accept this back. So I am going to feel proud to accept and ask for help, share my problems and receive compliments. This will not make me a burden or a failure.
- Blog. It’s not called ‘This Vulnerable Life‘ for nothing but recently I don’t feel like I’ve been sharing as deep as I can. So with all the above that I’m aiming to focus on – the blog should naturally be more vulnerable. So expect more of my short stories, poems, dating news, fears and celebrations.
So it seems to be that I have inadvertantly set myself some New Year’s resolutions, not that I was against them. I am ready to embrace them as I really do have this strong intense feeling that 2019 is going to be more magical than ever.
I’m going to sign off my first blog of 2019 saying thank you to my friend who said something wonderful to me last year. I have only now, whilst writing this post, been able to see and feel the power of her words and to fully receive the sentiment. She said:
‘I love every single version of you’
Wow! Can anyone put these words into a poster design? This bad boy statement needs to be my slogan!
Love Emma x
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