I’ve slid back into the tiresome world of online dating. It’s like having a repetitive evening and weekend job. Working with a colleague that makes you feel shit about yourself and then you get to the end of the week to find out they’ve fucked up the wages so you’re not gonna get paid!

This time round I’ve been on it for less than 2 weeks and after the first few days I was ready to deactivate.

So why am I doing it to myself?

In my post – The Single Side of Me ❤️ I promised that I wouldn’t give up trying. So when I hear how a friend has just met ‘the one’ online or how one last swiping session meant great dates for another – a little bit of hope fills my heart. I think – I could be that person telling the ‘it happened to me’ story.

I forget about the bad dates I’ve had:

  • The sleazy tea drinking guy that uploaded pictures of him from 5 years ago (and turned up looking completely different!)
  • The guy who hated England and English people (whilst living in London on a date with an English lass – me!)

And the date I didn’t have:

  • The guy that stood me up on a bank holiday Sunday! A precious bank holiday Sunday!! What a cock!

I don’t totally forget about them as they are comedy gold (now) and are funny to bring up when you play ‘worst dates…..’ with your friends.

I always start with an open mind, a bucket load of optimism and a smile on my face. I’ve  even started to take my time and make the effort to check out every guy’s bio and photos!

I’m on an app called Bumble where you swipe right if you like someone, and swipe left if you don’t. If you match (both like each other) that’s when you can chat but the woman has to start the conversation.

It’s not long before every swipe I make (left, right, left, right, right….) takes a bit of my soul away with it. I am left feeling deflated and questioning myself.

  • Do I need to change my photos?
  • Say more/less on my bio?
  • Lie about my age? (which I’ve noticed since turning 36 I’m getting less matches)

When I get into this dialogue. I have to put down my phone and take a break as I don’t want to entertain the question ‘what is wrong with me?’ – which used to be the standard question that paraded in my mind.

Sometimes that break is deactivating the account, as I don’t want to become a manic swiping woman who tarnishes all men with the same ‘men are……..’ brush yet still keeps swiping.


As the title of this blog post ‘Dating apps – Why do guys put their Uber rating? And other such questions!’ suggests – I am going to point my finger at some guys and their bios.

It puzzles me why many have the same thing written in their bio (this applies for Bumble and the similar app Tinder).

Did they all sign up to an online ‘Things to do with your dating bio to reel in the ladies and have your pick’ course?

I can’t help but wonder if the course looked something like this:

Module 1: Show them how reliable and honest you are.

How: State your ‘Uber rating’ – The magic number is 4.85!

Why: nothing screams ‘this is a guy I can take home to meet my parents’ than telling them your ‘great’ Uber rating. If you’ve not been the most polite passenger or don’t have an Uber account, not to worry – see the magic number above.

Module 2: Show your soft/caring side

How: take a photo of you looking happy holding a baby/young child (niece/nephew/godchild).

Why: women love babies and children. This picture shows her you’re not scared to be around (and maybe someday have) them. Even if you’ve not seen the child for over a year and have forgotten how old they are/what their name is – you’ll still look like the fun/caring Uncle.

Tip: be sure to write ‘the child is my niece/nephew/godchild’ on the bio.

Module 3: Incorporating business and pleasure

How: share your Instagram name

Why: women are nosey, they will look. If you’re a musician/artist/PT or want to increase your followers, this is an easy and free way to promote yourself. If you want your ego stroking further – make your account private so they have to request to follow you.

Warning: please do not blame us if the girl, stroking a tiger whilst pouting, starts stalking you – even though you swiped no to her!

Module 4: Show them who’s in charge

How: make a list of don’ts for them. e.g. No: pouting, Snapchat filters, fake eyelashes, mirror selfies, festival peace sign, stroking tigers or bridesmaid pics. Here is an example of what to write: ‘If you have a picture of you pouting, please swipe left’

Why: instead of you just swiping left on the girl that has anything that features on your no list, which you can clearly see by looking at their pictures. You get the satisfaction that you’ve given her a ‘heads up’ that you don’t like her style and that you’re not going to match with her before you swipe left.

Module 5: Show your funny side

How: say something that will make their sides hurt. For example: “We’ll say we met in a bar”

Why: women like men that are funny. So copy and paste the above and watch the matches build up. For a list of other funny bio introductions, please sign up to……….

Bonus module: show them how popular you are

How: only use group photos in your bio.

Why: if you show your fun social side she’ll know you’re a great guy. You must be as you’ve got a lot of friends right? It really doesn’t matter that she can’t tell which one you are in the pics.

Course completed. Happy dating. 

As I’m an ‘each to their own and it’s no skin off my nose‘ type lass – all the above is written in ‘sarcastic’ jest and it doesn’t actually bother me! But I am still curious why all the above is so popular with the fellas – if you know, pray tell!

Chances are my photos and bios look like I’ve been on the equivalent online course for the ladies!

I’ve got to admit I do sound like a bitter old lass and can see the irony in my post. But seriously I don’t think all guys are weird/strange/cocks/players etc. Not even the majority of them.

Recently a friend told me that they’d had some fun dates from Guardian Soulmates (the name makes me cringe a little). But so does Bumble and yet – here I still am! As I’m always one to try something different – (remember that time I did silent dating (The Dating Rollercoaster!) – I downloaded the app last night.

If Bumble is a part-time job, Guardian Soulmates is the part-time evening and weekend University Degree! They want to know everything and then some! This felt too much even for me that has a blog that spills the beans on their life!

I’m still going to give it a go, how can I not when it gave me and my housemate a huge dose of belly laughs! (See pic below)


Online dating may not be for me. I’m actually starting to think I’ve had a curse put on me which I’ve carried since I went to Barcelona about 12 years ago. I said ‘no’ when a gypsy tried to sell me something, she in turn muttered under her breath (which I sensed wasn’t pleasant) and then spat at me (yup definitely not pleasant!) If this is the case and I am cursed. I’m so sorry. I’ll buy you anything you want. I’ll give you all my bank holiday Sunday’s. Release the curse!! Please…………

Or it could be, in the words of Chandler Bing, I’m just “a Big, Dull, Dud!”

I’d love to hear from all the folks out there what puzzles them with online dating – let’s have a giggle. Guys – you’re welcome too!

Emma x


This isn’t a Snapchat filter – promise!!

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