Hello overwhelm, my old friend

Hello, remember me?

I am the Mama formally known as Emma. I say this partly in jest as at nursery and in baby groups I’m known as Xander’s mummy, but also because being a Mama is what has consumed most of my time.

It is part of the reason I haven’t blogged for almost 13 months – the longest I’ve ever left it. I actually considered not renewing the hosting fee and bidding farewell to the blog as I didn’t want it to be a blog solely on ‘motherhood’. Even though that is a huge part of my life now and each day presents me with opportunities of vulnerability. Plus, if you saw my Instagram posts, they are 90% filled with pics of my little boy. Alas, my ‘last-minute’ nature meant that the money came out of my account before I had the chance to decide! I’m pleased that I let my tardiness win as it feels great to be back typing away.

Whilst not wanting to constantly show up writing about motherhood is part of the reason that I didn’t blog, another reason was the overwhelm I was, and partly still am, going through! As the title suggests, this post is going to be about the latter – with sprinkles of motherhood thrown in because – I am proud to be ‘Xander’s mummy’!

I had been on maternity leave and I loved that me and my little lad were a team. Our days were filled with cake and chai lattes, baby classes, visitors who came armed with gifts and hugs, sleepovers, and trips away. I had a mostly chilled baby who slotted perfectly into my life and I had equipped myself with support for those first few months of motherhood (Perfectly prepped and ready to be supported).

So, what had changed?

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I had gone from idyllic lay ins and a carefree maternity to often sat, frozen to the spot wondering how the fuck I was going to have the energy to do the smallest task. Well, just like buses, the things that came to knock me off my own pedestal came in threes:

Bus One – a more active and therefore demanding baby who had an aversion to sleep

X had never slept through the night but his wake ups were easy to manage, a short feed and he was back down in his cot. This quickly changed and his wake ups became more frequent so I brought him into my bed. This helped for a little while until his feeding needs became more demanding which meant less sleep for me. Often the only way he could stay asleep would be on me, which again meant less sleep for me. Naps during the day weren’t much better either.

Bus two – returning to a turbulent unclear workplace due to redundancies and restructures

Work changes aside, I was nervous returning to work after such a long time off as before my maternity leave, I worked in another role. I was coming back into a position I hadn’t done for over 2.5 years, under a new manager – it felt in parts like a new job so there have been countless times that Imposter Syndrome has joined me.

Bus three – the 3rd year of my open university course

Study started once X was in bed and often happened, laptop on with the brightness level down, sat in the dark next to him as that was the only way he would settle. As someone who’s default is to procrastinate, there have been many a late night and extension requests. Instead of just getting on with the assignments I would be thinking of quitting or researching anything but the topic at hand.

Bonus bus

And maybe a bonus one of perimenopause but that could be my pregnancy hormones still at bay as I have heard that it can take two years for the hormones to stay in the body. This is one I am watching closely.

I did also wonder if the overwhelm could be something else, such as postnatal depression but a holiday to Fuerteventura in January removed all the stress and anxiety from my body – it took less than 24 hours for me not to even think about ‘back home’.

How it showed up…

My routine rapidly disintegrated in front of me – I said farewell to regular exercise and my daily meditation and journalling, as a more active and mobile baby meant that I struggled to do these in a morning.

Overwhelm crept up on me before increasing the intensity and soon it was switched to Level 20 (a purely made up level by me but it works) –  a level that saw me often having to pause to take a deep breath trying to stop the anxiety from steeping in.

I’m no stranger to overwhelm and have previously written about it (Tis the season for: Overwhelm, Joy and Festive Comedowns!) but it never usually sticks around for this long. When I’ve had it in the past, I’ve been able to get over it by upping the self-care and taking a rest which is not so easy when there’s more than just yourself to look after.

From the outside you may not notice a difference. I am getting out of bed, even on my poorly days (solo parenting will do that to you), going out, meeting friends, taking my boy to places and posting on social media but underneath the surface I am frowning at a cluttered house, extending my assignment deadlines, navigating my new condensed work hours, and dealing with a constant gift of nursery bugs. I hadn’t prepped for this bit! I kept asking myself – how is this sustainable?

Looking at my phone and the number of messages I have left on read gives me anxiety (although not as much anxiety as leaving them unread!). I feel guilty for not being in touch whilst still being active on social media, which for some reason is more manageable and if I’m honest a slight addiction and a comfort blanket. Wanting to explain to all the people I haven’t replied to that the only reasons they see me out is:

• I need to get my boy out of the house each day or he turns into a gremlin
• Someone else has arranged the catch up

I am proud of myself that I have started to be honest and tell people that I’m dealing with overwhelm when I finally have got back in touch with them.

With my personal development pushed to the side, things that didn’t used to annoy me started to. The messy corners of my house coupled with the Jenga style cupboards, the unruly bookshelves, the pile of items to be sold on vinted and the main thing – deciding what to have for fucking tea (and sometimes lunch) every day! I wish bulk cooking and meal planning came natural to me but that causes me more stress so I have yet to conquer it.

The noise in my head has been constant, there is always something to plan, to think about, and that intensifies when I have to organise babysitting. I used to be a Personal Assistant and planning care for X is up there with scheduling a meeting for a group of senior staff! I know that meditation and journalling will help the noise but as a creature of habit, I have struggled to fit it into another part of the day.

Although, I’m pleased to say that I’ve slowly started to reintroduce meditation with 5-10mins in the afternoon here and there, which is progress and I’m already seeing the benefits. I’m so pleased that throughout this time I have managed to keep my once-a-week Pilates session in – shout out to SR Pilates – you’ve been a rock I didn’t know I needed! Other rocks have been all the friends and family that have helped to look after my boy and for my cleaner who helps my house looks decent every fortnight.

A book that I found really helpful when I was struggling the most was ‘How to keep house whilst drowning’ by KC David. I listened to an audio version of the book and picked up some useful tips, it also helped to put my Level 20 overwhelm into perspective*.

*Note – I say perspective BUT we don’t need to compare our struggles with someone else’s and everyone is allowed to feel all their feelings about what they are struggling with regardless of the level. Everyone has limits to how much they can handle at any given time and that limit constantly changes. I have cried when I have missed a bus and I’ve also cried because someone close to me has died. It all has its place.

I laugh when I think back to a conversation I had with a friend when we were talking about my overwhelm and my Uni course.

I have things in the pipeline to help change my situation and some really supportive people in my corner – so watch this space.

I also remind myself that I am in a new chapter of life and that this too is just a phase and I will get through it.

Love Emma x

p.s. my little one is now gifting me with better sleep, so hoping that this phase continues.

p.p.s. I am half way though my uni course and I have passed each assignment so far.

p.p.p.s. one thing I have been consistent in is Wordle – check this bad boy streak out. Shout out to my WhatsApp group the Wordle Wankers!