Notice: This blog shall continue to be called ‘Year of Vulnerability’ until I’ve fully decided what direction I want the blog to go in.
Happy New Year one and all – what will 2018 bring?
I started to write this blog post on New Year’s Eve when I got back home to London after been away for 10 days. I was giving myself a slight hard time for not writing any posts whilst away as my hope was to have an all singing and dancing blog – well at least a new name – before the year was out.
Two paragraphs in, with a mega sigh and a huge stretch and yawn – which although sounds exaggerated was anything but, I shut my laptop and admitted defeat.
I was tired.
10 days spent lugging myself and bags from house to house really was exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I have a lot of friends and family that want to spend time with me. I am so grateful for all the welcoming faces, warm houses, cosy beds and amazing hosts that I had the pleasure to spend time with over the festive period. I really do understand and appreciate how fortunate I am.
Unfortunately that didn’t stop the feeling of overwhelm which slowly began to seep in as each day rolled by. Nor did it stop the invisible cog that was winding me up so I was always ‘on form‘ from snapping.
When it snapped. I got angry – with myself. I inhaled deeply trying to stop the panic. Then I cried. I needed the release. Having nowhere properly to retreat, without feeling like a rude guest, brought me to this situation.
That is when I made the decision I was going to head back to London earlier than planned and spend New Year’s Eve in my own home – alone. This was quite a big deal as even though I moan and say I’m not a fan, I’d never actually spent NYE on my own before.
It was the best decision I could have made so on New Year’s Day I decided to recuperate some more ‘me time’. Films and good food day beckoned.
I’m not sure if it was the stress of the festive period untangling itself from my mind, the depleted numbers from my bank account, the food and drink from the past two weeks laying heavily on my stomach or the films I decided to watch but in-between feeling relaxed I couldn’t shake feeling emotional all day.
I know that this time of year can be hard on so many people, for so many different reasons and I’m not the only one riding on the emotional rollercoaster. It was clear I was suffering from festive comedown so instead of worrying, I reminded myself of this and told myself I would be better tomorrow.
Tomorrow (today) came and I woke up feeling smug that I’d booked an additional day off work. I sat up in bed and chose to add ‘Make Miracles in Forty Days’ back to my morning routine. Read more about the book and exercise here: Feeling all the feelings!
After completing the exercise and doing a meditation I felt my old self stepping back into my body and for the first time in weeks felt excited about what I was going to create in 2018.
I decided to celebrate this with a trip to the centre of London (Bond Street, Regent Street and Piccadilly Circus) to spend my Christmas vouchers. Shopping isn’t my jam at the best of times so hordes of shoppers all spending for the sake of spending started to grate on me.
Plus it didn’t help that I have been getting on my soapbox this year about the ever growing commercialism of Christmas and that I’m currently reading ‘Down and Out in Paris and London’ by George Orwell.
Feeling lower than when I went out I took myself to a place I knew would perk me up – a book store. As soon as I walked into Waterstones my mood lifted. Creativity was everywhere! I took my time to browse on each floor, read blurbs from random books and aimlessly thumb through pages.
I decided to treat myself to a book by author Matt Haig, ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ as not only do I like his style of writing, I felt that this would be an additional tool to help nurture my well-being.
So as I write this blog post in bed and praise myself that none of my new year’s resolutions are to go to bed earlier, I have a genuine smile on my face and am not feeling despair about going back to work.
I’m looking forward to what 2018 brings, be that the goals I set for myself or something else completely different. One thing I know for sure are there will be laughs, obstacles, tears and revelations but that my dears is life.
2018 – let’s be having ya.
p.s. If you have been feeling a festive comedown try and listen to your body and give yourself what you need. Be that a book, an honest chat with a friend, a visit to the Doctors or just some time out.