Two blimmin months…..
That’s how long it has been since I last posted on my blog. I had to force myself to get my laptop out and start writing today as I really have lost the urge to write and to do anything personally productive in all honesty.
There are many
reasons excuses why I haven’t found the time :
- Moving house
- Transitioning in job
- Watching too much TV – ‘Bob’s Burgers’ I’m obsessed with you
- Getting all social – with weddings, engagements, festivals, holidays and sunshine…..
- Going on dates – yup you heard that right 😬 (alas: nothing to report here but I did get to date 3 with one guy. The app has now been deleted for a well needed break)
- Social media – I hate to admit it but I’ve become addicted again
And an excuse specifically for abandoning my blog:
- Nothing to write about.
*Note: there is ALWAYS something to write about.
In the past I would have felt burdened with guilt for putting my writing on hold.
The Comparison Cashier would come out, looking at all the other ‘Bloggers’ uploading posts, promoting themselves in a professional way on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram – leaving me feeling like I hadn’t achieved.
I would highlight all of those ‘following their dreams’ and I’d mark myself as a failure. A failure that still knew how to have fun of course – did you not see the ‘getting social’ bullet point?
But the past couple of months I have felt calm about the situation. It actually freaked me out how calm I was. I was enjoying my life, having shed loads of fun, spending my money on experiences, being a ‘yes man’ friend. It felt great not to worry or stress.
I was still meditating most mornings, always had a book on the go and although I wasn’t exercising, the location of my new pad meant it was now a 20min walk to the tube station to get to work. So I was happy that my mind and body was still being tended to.
To accompany me on my stomp to and from the tube I got reacquainted with Audible (an app that you listen to audio books on) and more than keeping me occupied – it gave me a rude awakening.
I have not been feeling calm. I have been numb!
The audio book that got me to this realisation is ‘Kick Ass with Mel Robbins’ – I loved listening to this so much – I have already recommended it to 2 friends. In this audio Mel Robbins live coaches 8 people who are stuck in some way or another – it’s sad, it’s funny, it’s real and on some level I could resonate with every single one of the courageous people that chose to share their stories.
I didn’t expect that I would unearth some home truths about myself but chapter after chapter the nuggets kept flying at me. Mel’s tough and blunt coaching style was what I never knew I needed.
I’ve got off the train early and stopped my journey.
Numbing myself and coasting through life – hiding behind a pile of excuses.
Am I happy?
Well I have been having fun but when I go to bed at night I don’t fall asleep with a sense of achievement. Happiness and joy isn’t cursing through my heart and I don’t feel a sense of purpose. There is nothing wrong with living life this way unless of course, you don’t want to. And I don’t.
I am stagnant.
A change is needed. One that I actually see through until the end. I no longer want to be Emma the Quitter. I want to start something – something meaningful and see it through.
I am not unhappy and I know I am so fortunate to have what I do have (a roof over my head, a god job, great friends and family, holidays) and I am truly grateful for these.
But – there is something missing!
Now that this has been revealed it is up to me to make the changes. I don’t actually know what those changes need to be so I’m going to spend some time actually soul searching. Get myself on a new train – one that stops returning to the same destinations.
I want the:
- I’m always skint and shit with money
- I’m a forever singleton
- wasted days due to partying
- not believing in my abilities
- I’ll do it tomorrow
destinations to be a thing of the past. I am tired of revisiting them – same shit, older age and still not learning from these lessons.
I’m actually excited to take ownership of my life once more. I’ve downloaded the accompanying workbook that comes with ‘Kick Ass with Mel Robbins’ and am interested in seeing what breakthroughs arise from it.
Thawing out is going to be painful as fuck. As much as I’ve started to open up and be vulnerable – I know there’s a lot of deep seated issues that I have yet to deal with and parts of my personality that I need to work on. Until I deal with these, I will never be truly free and be able to move forward.
My blog has barely touched the surface but I owe it to myself to get on to the next chapter. I am bored of moaning about the same old shit – it’s resolution time.
Let’s get this train on the tracks.
It’s time to go deep.
p.s. If you’ve listened to ‘Kick Ass with Mel Robbins’ I’d love to hear your takeaway thoughts from it.
p.p.s If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.