Two blimmin months…..
That’s how long it has been since I last posted on my blog. I had to force myself to get my laptop out and start writing today as I really have lost the urge to write and to do anything personally productive in all honesty.
There are many
reasons excuses why I haven’t found the time :
- Moving house
- Transitioning in job
- Watching too much TV – ‘Bob’s Burgers’ I’m obsessed with you
- Getting all social – with weddings, engagements, festivals, holidays and sunshine…..
- Going on dates – yup you heard that right 😬 (alas: nothing to report here but I did get to date 3 with one guy. The app has now been deleted for a well needed break)
- Social media – I hate to admit it but I’ve become addicted again
And an excuse specifically for abandoning my blog:
- Nothing to write about.
*Note: there is ALWAYS something to write about.
In the past I would have felt burdened with guilt for putting my writing on hold.
The Comparison Cashier would come out, looking at all the other ‘Bloggers’ uploading posts, promoting themselves in a professional way on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram – leaving me feeling like I hadn’t achieved.
I would highlight all of those ‘following their dreams’ and I’d mark myself as a failure. A failure that still knew how to have fun of course – did you not see the ‘getting social’ bullet point?
But the past couple of months I have felt calm about the situation. It actually freaked me out how calm I was. I was enjoying my life, having shed loads of fun, spending my money on experiences, being a ‘yes man’ friend. It felt great not to worry or stress.
I was still meditating most mornings, always had a book on the go and although I wasn’t exercising, the location of my new pad meant it was now a 20min walk to the tube station to get to work. So I was happy that my mind and body was still being tended to.
To accompany me on my stomp to and from the tube I got reacquainted with Audible (an app that you listen to audio books on) and more than keeping me occupied – it gave me a rude awakening.
I have not been feeling calm. I have been numb!
The audio book that got me to this realisation is ‘Kick Ass with Mel Robbins’ – I loved listening to this so much – I have already recommended it to 2 friends. In this audio Mel Robbins live coaches 8 people who are stuck in some way or another – it’s sad, it’s funny, it’s real and on some level I could resonate with every single one of the courageous people that chose to share their stories.
I didn’t expect that I would unearth some home truths about myself but chapter after chapter the nuggets kept flying at me. Mel’s tough and blunt coaching style was what I never knew I needed.
I’ve got off the train early and stopped my journey.
Numbing myself and coasting through life – hiding behind a pile of excuses.
Am I happy?
Well I have been having fun but when I go to bed at night I don’t fall asleep with a sense of achievement. Happiness and joy isn’t cursing through my heart and I don’t feel a sense of purpose. There is nothing wrong with living life this way unless of course, you don’t want to. And I don’t.
I am stagnant.
A change is needed. One that I actually see through until the end. I no longer want to be Emma the Quitter. I want to start something – something meaningful and see it through.
I am not unhappy and I know I am so fortunate to have what I do have (a roof over my head, a god job, great friends and family, holidays) and I am truly grateful for these.
But – there is something missing!
Now that this has been revealed it is up to me to make the changes. I don’t actually know what those changes need to be so I’m going to spend some time actually soul searching. Get myself on a new train – one that stops returning to the same destinations.
I want the:
- I’m always skint and shit with money
- I’m a forever singleton
- wasted days due to partying
- not believing in my abilities
- I’ll do it tomorrow
destinations to be a thing of the past. I am tired of revisiting them – same shit, older age and still not learning from these lessons.
I’m actually excited to take ownership of my life once more. I’ve downloaded the accompanying workbook that comes with ‘Kick Ass with Mel Robbins’ and am interested in seeing what breakthroughs arise from it.
Thawing out is going to be painful as fuck. As much as I’ve started to open up and be vulnerable – I know there’s a lot of deep seated issues that I have yet to deal with and parts of my personality that I need to work on. Until I deal with these, I will never be truly free and be able to move forward.
My blog has barely touched the surface but I owe it to myself to get on to the next chapter. I am bored of moaning about the same old shit – it’s resolution time.
Let’s get this train on the tracks.
It’s time to go deep.
p.s. If you’ve listened to ‘Kick Ass with Mel Robbins’ I’d love to hear your takeaway thoughts from it.
p.p.s If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.
Being clueless about one’s situation is a gift. One that you and I and many other blogger-types don’t get. We are forever destined to look deep and be dissatisfied if we aren’t improving. I’m glad you’re back; I’ve missed your posts, they always hit home. I wish you hours upon hours of vulnerable self-reflection.
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Haha! Jeff – you are totally right about that! I often wish for 1 clueless day. Thank you – it’s good to be back 🙂 need to see how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to. I’ve not only avoided blogging but also bloggers (not even purposely) just my WordPress account altogether!!
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Wow what a great post and not at all what I expected as I began to read it! I love how candid you are about your discoveries and what you are willing to do to change things up. You’ve still got it!!❤️
A lot of old issues are being brought to the surface right now for all of us to heal them once and for all. I’m feeling it too. All the Intuitives I follow are saying the same thing. An eclipse is coming up that is going to stir it up even more. This summer for me has been so eye-opening in so many ways. Something I knew was made even more pronounced and that was you don’t get a different mind by traveling. Meaning, because we carry around the same thoughts and beliefs regardless of where we are, we can really only experience joy to the point that we are able to release our limiting beliefs. This sounds insignificant as I type it out, but I think you “get it”. I’ve had a lot of stuff get brought up too and I’m seeing how much it impacts my life still. Even things I felt like I had already learned and moved past. I think I glossed over them sometimes. It boils down to the fact that the key is to free ourselves from our minds…with our limiting beliefs, unwarranted fears. This just made me think of Bob Marley… “none but ourselves can free our minds.”
No trip can do it. No material possession can do it. No job can do it. No other person can do it.
Thanks for another thought-provoking post Emma!❤️
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Hey Jammie. Thank you for reading and your feedback. I really wasn’t sure where I was going with it when I started writing. Aah that’s so good to hear that many others are going through similar times. When is this eclipse meant to happen? I definitely ‘get it’ – sometimes too much and sometimes I pretend not at all but I do indeed. How have these things showed up for you and how have you felt and dealt with them? Are you feeling more free because of it? I’ve saved your FB live to watch – looking forward to it.
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Hey Emma! The eclipse happens this Friday the 27th. I’m feeling huge shifts in energy. A lot has been brought up over the last few weeks…old stuff/thoughts/patterns etc that are coming up so I finally fully deal with them. Things trying to knock me off my trust, and doing the work to get back to peace in spite of it. A lot of people I know and follow are saying the same things. I’ve had nothing but green juice the last few days and then a friend posted the same thing! Feeling a lot of shifts with my physical body that’s related to my higher self. Clearing out old to make way for the new! Thanks for watching my video in advance! I’ve done a few Live ones now. I hope you get something helpful from it.❤️