I’m putting myself back into the world of writing.
This evening I’m at a ‘Write Together’ Meetup group. Which is where a group of writers meet and sit together whilst working on their own projects. Aside from a few glances and friendly smiles, no communication is made. We’re together but apart. We’re people with laptops and notepads and a non-disclosed agenda. A silent peer support group if you will. We could be far right or far left, love or hate Marmite and we would never know.
It works well……..well, most of the time.
Laptop updating – this will take some time…..
“I knew I shouldn’t have come. That’s the second sign I’ve had today after missing the Meetup start time by 40mins. Oh well I’m here now. Sat here looking like I have come to the wrong place or have writers block. Everyone around me – writing with intention.” – me speaking to me
I fumble in my bag – post-it notes, result!
“Ha, I AM meant to be here. Writing. It is my passion after all” smug me
I scribble down a list of topics that fit in with the vulnerability theme that I could write about on this blog. Combatting the one excuse that keeps me away ‘having nothing to write about’!
17 topics! Including some that are really personal and touch a nerve as I read them back. The ‘Could I, Would I, Should I, ever?’ topics.
I scan my most precious tool on my phone – my notes page. Now this page talks. Mine is full of:
- book recommendations
- lines of poems
- rambling thoughts
- sections of blog posts
- babies names
- adverts I’ve seen on the tube
Oh yes my notes says a lot and I regularly update it, keeping it relevant – deleting things that no longer serve a purpose. Unlike my Photos, which I never delete – because who knows when that screenshot may come in handy and those 10 fuzzy photos of the same thing is practically art!
WARNING: Battery Low
“Well if that’s not a sign I don’t know what is. I had to work late, then a laptop reboot and now no battery. What if all these signs are a whisper about fate – my sliding doors moment, telling me I should be elsewhere – like at home.” moaning me
“OR! What if all your previous monologues have been a crock of shit and you’re trying to side step and take the easy way out? What if these obstacles are whisperings of fate sent to try you? Calling you out, testing you, trying to make you prove that you really do want it! When in your life did you sign a contract saying what you wanted would be the easy path to take? Why don’t you ever work with the mindset: ‘If I want it so bad, I’m going to have to work for it?’ Why does everything in your life have to be a sign? A sign that you use to ‘get out before you fail’. Sort your shit out love – this really doesn’t suit you” Straight talking me to moaning me
I retrieve my laptop charger that I remembered to pack and take myself away from the long table and the comforting presence of the other writers. I sit in a corner, on my own, next to a plug socket and instead of feeling like I’m on the outside. I feel like I’ve overcome the biggest obstacle…
I celebrate with a glass of wine. I came, I stayed and despite the obstacles – started to write this blog post.
Will it be my most treasured post? Nah! But it is an important one. It’s a result of me learning a lesson. One that I already knew but needed to reaffirm.
Staying put/quitting/not starting is not new. Neither is mistaking minor obstacles for signs when you’re about to tread on new territory or feel fear. The world is full of unfulfilled work colleagues, unhappy couples and those hanging on to their past selves. Unwittingly they’ve transformed the obstacles into signs which in turn transform into blinkers, prisons and comfort zones.
Each time I learn a lesson. I move further along – an inch, a step, a leap! Some lessons take longer and some I will continue to revisit again and again and again and again! At times I’ll be faced with a lesson and won’t move along at all, instead I will sit there and wallow and moan and point to signs and hide behind excuses.
8.30pm. Meetup over. Everyone starts to leave
“See what sitting over here has done? You’re left alone. No-one asked if you wanted to join them in the pub” woe is me
“You’re a grown up. You knew the end time. You know where the pub is. You don’t even want to go to the pub tonight anyway. You want to write more of your blog because you didn’t get started until later. Stop pointing the finger and playing the victim. Bored now” Fed up of my bullshit chatter me
And so here I am with a blog post ready to publish mulling over the harsh lesson I needed. Although I’m relaying an event that happened this evening which was focussed on my writing. It made me reassess other areas of my life where I use signs and victim mode to pause. My job, my relationships, my finances – to name three!
It’s so easy fall into victim mode but that comforting feeling soon wears off and you can be left with shards of bitterness and in the same spot as before – stagnant! If that spot ain’t where you want to be – it’s time to take action and get over the obstacle.
NOTE: the conversations I was having to myself were actually all in my head. Unlike when I’m out shopping and I’m totally audible. “Oooh that’s a nice top – let’s try it on. Mmmm I could have this for my tea with this and that….”
p.s. If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.