Two Years of Motherhood: The Unexpected Joys and Tribulations

(Reading time 9 minutes)

A few weeks before reaching the two-year mark of being a mum, I found myself reflecting on how much has changed in my life. Prior to having a baby, I had heard so much about the joys and challenges of parenthood – like the first time they call you “Mamma,” when they take their first steps or when they first sleep through the night. On the other side I’d heard about the tantrums, the angst you feel when they’re poorly and how expensive it can be. So, it has been great to reflect on the unexpected things that have brought me joy or tribulations.

I also came across an intriguing fact: apparently it takes two years for your hormones to settle after giving birth. So naturally I wondered – would I feel a shift when the clock struck 5:21am on the date that my boy entered the world? What version of Emma would I be?

I had already felt a seismic shift once the maternity love bubble ended and I was thrown back into working full-time and tackling my 3^rd year of Uni. My energy and emotions were all over the place, darting from sorrow, despair and bewilderment to determination and belief. Were these feelings the result of my jumbled hormones, or was I simply spinning too many plates?

I made the decision to put Uni on hold for a couple of years so that I could focus on building a business that would eventually afford me more flexibility to be a more present parent with more time. Right now, what that actually looks like is shifting from one demanding endeavour to another, yup I’ve basically jumped from the frying pan into the fire! A fire that often feels like a furnace because – wow business!

So, I am still non the wiser whether the way I am feeling is due to hormones, the sheer volume of ‘other’ things I’m juggling, or maybe a cocktail of both.

But wait, why stop there? Could it also be peri-menopause creeping in – throwing disparaging remarks at myself on the build up to my period? Or the suspected ADHD that’s danced mischievously around my mind for years but has been relentless since becoming a mum?

All of these factors have left me feeling like a different Emma!

Hormones aside. Throughout this journey these are some of the things I have reflected on…

Unexpected Joys

One of the greatest joys I have discovered in motherhood is how a bad moment can quickly be eclipsed by the wonder of the little human I’ve created. There are times when stress clouds my mind – especially lately, with my cheeky rascal testing my patience. But then, I look at him and feel an overwhelming rush of love and the stress dissipates.

I have to pinch myself. I made him!

It feels almost unbelievable that I brought this cute, curious soul into the world. His existence is a powerful reminder that we all started life with pure innocence – craving comfort, love, and nurturing. I often think of how I would have been at his age navigating something new and it humbles me. I find these moments bittersweet when thinking of the reality that life can be cruel and that innocence soon starts to fade and in some cases shatter and crumble.

I’m constantly learning alongside him. Every day is a school day! Seriously when I was a child there were not as many dinosaurs! I also wasn’t into animals growing up, but now I find myself diving into research, feeding both his curious mind and my own.

Not only that, but being his first teacher has shown me that I actually know quite a lot of things – more than I ever gave myself credit for! Sometimes I find myself wondering  “How on earth do I know so many random things?”, it’s a strange but empowering realisation. This has had a ripple effect, making me kinder to myself, reminding me that I’m capable and resourceful whenever I doubt myself – which has been a lot recently in my job and building my business.

Watching him grow and develop his unique character brings me so much joy. He makes me laugh so much. I mean…if he was on stage at a comedy club, he’d probably bomb and I may heckle him – but I genuinely belly laugh with the things he says and does. In our little world, he’s a comedic genius!

My heart expands further when I see how much family and friends adore him. I am immensely grateful for all the love he gets and it makes me smile when people ask about him and want to know how he is doing. The amount of support I have had and continue to get is the cherry on top – I couldn’t ask for better.

Unexpected Tribulations

Yet, alongside the joys, there are challenges I never anticipated. The anxiety of losing him or him losing me has crept into my mind. I used to wonder about my own mortality when living alone, but now, the stakes feel so much higher. How long would he be left alone if something were to happen to me? Those thoughts can be overwhelming.

Being an older mum brings its own set of concerns. I find myself constantly calculating how old I will be at each milestone – “When he’s 18, I’ll be 59 – what will I be like then?” – and so on! Alongside this I am questioning:

• Am I doing enough to ensure he’s healthy and happy?
• Am I giving him enough variety in his diet?
• And don’t get me started on the rise of the incel, I shudder at the thought of navigating the teenage years.

I am seeing the complexities of the world through a different lens and it can be scary!

I’ve also been navigating life with a boy who loves to hit. It started slowly a few months ago, mainly when he was tired but it’s been escalating, and now it’s when he’s frustrated, showing off or over-excited. It has now started to happen with other children as we’re also in the “mine” stage and the refusal to share. It is quite the parenting challenge which has brought out a side of me I didn’t expect. My usual firm-but-loving and fair approach to parenting has, at times, tipped into shouting, which leaves me wracked with guilt and leaves him utterly perplexed. During one particularly trying episode, I swore out of sheer frustration, and to my dismay, he mimicked it right back to me – “Cup Cake!” Thankfully, his speech wasn’t quite there, so I breathed a sigh of relief and vowed to watch my language more carefully. Note: this has been very hard as I am most definitely a potty mouth!

Weekends can be particularly challenging if I haven’t pulled my finger out and planned ahead. As a solo mum, it’s all on me. Whether that’s creating our own adventures or navigating the logistics of meeting up with others. I’m not sure why this came as a surprise to me as I felt this when I was single and childfree! We still live in the age where a lot of couples naturally get together with other couples to do things and that applies to nuclear families too. On the flip side, a positive to this – it has made me start to make connections with other solo mums by choice in my area.

Something else I didn’t expect to feel was me kicking myself for not pursuing things I had wanted to do for a while before I became a mum. That evening sewing class I’ve been eyeing for years? Still on the back burner.

Oh, and illness. I’ve been sick more in these two years than in the past 10 years! I’m definitely putting that down to the hormones! Balancing my needs with his is a juggling act, but oddly enough, it’s made me bounce back quicker, probably out of necessity.

The unexpected chatter

Talking has also become a full-time job. Having lived alone for years,  apart from the odd conversation I had with myself or outburst of song, I’d grown accustom to the quiet. I seriously didn’t realise how much I’d be engaging in dialogue with my little one. He keeps my vocal cords busy with constant requests for conversation and song. I’ve become a human jukebox, serenading him with tunes such as ‘Nellie the Elephant’, ‘Prehistoric Animal Brigade’, and ‘Horsey Horsey’ on repeat. If I dare to pause, he simply gets louder until I comply – my very own miniature foghorn!

I can’t complain as the constant singing has been another unexpected joy – when it’s not stuck on repeat! As someone who absolutely loves musicals, it feels like I’m living in one every…single…day. Sometimes I find myself inviting him into my own childhood nostalgia, every time we see a moon now, he requests that we sing ‘We’re off to Button Moon’. Recently we have taken a trip back to my teenage years belting out ‘Like a Shooting Star’ every time we go past the star Christmas light. Most of the time I’m making up songs on the spot. I rarely remember them, but let me tell you – they’re absolute bangers! It’s a beautiful, silly, and creative part of our day that I hadn’t anticipated would bring so much fun.

The ever-evolving Emma

2 years and 5 days have now gone by. Have the hormones shifted? Who is Emma today?

I am settling with the fact that I will be an Emma that is constantly evolving. That’s because motherhood is a rollercoaster of emotions, learning, and unexpected joys. It’s a journey that will continuously pull me one way or the other, whilst it reshapes me. As I navigate its twists and turns, I will try to embrace each moment knowing that every experience will go on to form that new Emma!

Onwards to our next adventure!

Here’s to more laughter, learning, and love, as I grow alongside my little mate.

Love,
Emma x

p.s. I would love to hear other parents stories of their unexpected joys and tribulations in the first two years.

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