I am beautiful.
This is how I feel when I look in my bathroom mirror on most evenings. Just before I take the remains of my makeup off and for a moment or two after. I stop and take a moment to look deep into my eyes, give myself a genuine grin and appreciate myself!
As unfortunately my bedroom mirror doesn’t tell me the same! Nor any other mirror.
I’m back to seeing myself as unattractive!
I curse my flaws, my features, my angles. Oh why isn’t there a camera filter that makes me look like I do in my bathroom mirror?
I am pretty there.
How can it be so that I’m only truly comfortable with how I look in this one mirror?
It is a belief I would like to turn around. Along with some other thoughts, habits and beliefs that have weakened my self-esteem over time.
There’s the unhealthy habit I have of creating scenarios in which people are judging me.
This happens more often that I’d like to admit. In fact, my thoughts on Saturday night actually inspired this post.
Getting ready to go out I was actually enjoying the pre-party for one in my bedroom. Indie-Rock music blasting out, a couple of beers and some serious….ly silly dance moves.
I had a few minor wardrobe wobbles when the first two outfits didn’t fit me. But was happy with the 3rd outfit and got a respectable slow nod and satisfactory smile from my housemate.
As soon as I walked out of the house, the mind chatter began:
- My skirt is too short
- My thighs are too big
- I’m overdressed
- I’m too old to be dressed like this
Then came the scenarios about how people would be judging me. Which led me to justify who I am and why I’m dressed like I am. It didn’t stop there as I started to question myself, and then the world! It’s fucking tiring.
Another thing that is kryptonite to my self-esteem is the way I don’t always admit what I actually want. To be fair to myself, for the most part I don’t even realise that I’m doing it.
For as long as I can remember I have confidently confirmed:
‘I’m terrible at making decisions’
And that was that. Nothing I could do about it. It’s part of me! Not for once thinking that it was a belief muscle I was building.
It’s only been recently that I have actually taken a closer look at my inability to make decisions. And it hit home. Smack bang wallop in the face!
- I’m a people pleaser
- I don’t like to be the odd one out
- I shy away from confrontation
- Plus the biggie – I don’t want other people to feel uncomfortable
So I take the easy way out using phrases such as:
‘I don’t mind’, ‘Whatever you want’ and ‘I’m not sure’. Or I’m just silent and go along with things with a smile on my face.
I know this habit is past it’s sell-by date as it became too frequent that I was looking at others with an envious eye. And the message was, they were a reflection of me. A me I truly wanted to be! To be that confident to go for what I want regardless of others (or my made up) judgements.
All these reasons are why I’ve decided to spend July tearing down the protective walls that once served a purpose. It’s time to work on building new ones.
In my last post Life – who’s in charge? I revisited the reason why I started this blog and noted that I had got off track. Well I am back in the game and the theme for July is ‘self-esteem’. I am going to set myself challenges and give myself permission to go for things.
One of my goals is get to the end of July and be able to look into any mirror and truly say.
I am beautiful.
p.s. If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.