On the build up to 2017 my mind kept focusing on vulnerability and how it was something that I lacked. So I decided that instead of making a number of ‘new year’s resolutions’ I would have a theme. That theme being ‘vulnerability’.
I became hooked on vulnerability when I discovered Brene Brown and read ‘Daring Greatly’ listened to ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ and watched her Ted Talk. I am now almost at the end of ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ so I’m practically her stalker.
Through taking time in silence, listening to and trusting my intuition and Brene stalking. I finally came to realise that the many things I hadn’t achieved in my life, the aching feeling of disappointment, the unchangeable decisions that haunted my dreams. They pointed to me not wanting to be vulnerable. I had made the decision to protect myself. I thought if I was strong I would be safe from harm, from sadness and only happiness would be present. Still shitty things would happen to me but I would just add another protection layer, believing that I was in control.
I’m only just seeing now that this protection field that I created kept out the good things too. Falling in love, standing out, being the authentic me – I just glided by enough to be okay, enough to be liked, enough to get by and have a certain amount of fun.
As I am tired of making the same old resolutions, goals, vision board desires…….I knew something had to give. That something was the fear of what other people thought. Hence my year of vulnerability. I believe cracking this will stand me in a better stead – so much so it frightens and excites me.
I’m ready to replace being tired.
Tired of hearing that my man is just around the corner. I’ve heard this year upon year. Which fucking corner? I just googled how long it would take to walk around the world and it took someone 11years – FUCK….does this mean I have another 1.6years to wait?!
Tired of hearing ‘It’ll happen when I least expect it’ and ‘if you stop looking you’ll find it’ and the slightly offensive ‘what’s wrong with you?’
I’m tired of hearing all of these. It’s time to step up and take ownership. I’m the reason – that protective barrier I’ve been wearing for so long – the one that doesn’t want to get hurt has been cock blocking love.
I’m tired of it playing havoc with my business. Protecting me from rejection by holding me back and not putting myself out there. Whispering words in my ear ‘you’ll make a poor leader’ ‘you’re not worth this’ ‘this is too good to be true’ ‘who are you kidding’ – these are the censored versions.
So yes. I’m tired. So I’m taking control. I’m opening the door, pulling up the blind and allowing myself to be seen, to be heard, to be criticised.
My year of vulnerability has begun and I know that 1 year from now my life will be considerably different. I’m welcoming the unknown and I’m going to have fun with this. Excited for the journey.