Love may be colour blind but dating is not!

Time to read – about 8.30mins (get a brew on the go)

I was struggling with what to write about but didn’t want to leave my blog unloved for so long. So yesterday morning I wrote a list of topics that I was sure I would’ve been able to knock a few decent lines up about:

• Update on writing my book – that I have yet to start. I haven’t even made a folder on my desktop entitled ‘My Book’
• The reading/media deprivation – which starts next Monday 5th March – gulp! Read more about it here
• Going with the flow – in relation to not writing my blog and life in general
• Travelling and my mindset
• Being single – recent conversations with friends and a dating coach

The decision of what I was going to write about slapped me in the face when I received a text from my Auntie asking how the snow was in London. This soon escalated to a full blown WhatsApp banter marathon about me being single.

Auntie: This is your cousin’s new piece…….{sends pic}

Me: This is my new piece………

Banter escalation in 5, 4, 3…..BOOOM

Clearly I had to write about me being single – again!

As I’ve written on this topic on more than one shit loads of occasions (links to previous posts below) I wanted to bring something fresh to this here blog of mine:

• The Single Side of Me ❤️
• The Dating Rollercoaster!
• 5 things single women (okay me) are tired of hearing 🤐
• Online Dating – Why do guys share their Uber rating? And other such questions!

My first port of call was a folder I have on my laptop called ‘Writing Ramblings’ – if ever I just want to free write or get something off my chest – this is where I save the genius/mess/ranting/magic/breakdown *delete as necessary – after reading what I’m about to share.

Here I present to you, My Life in Swipes…… I do feel vulnerable about sharing this but I’m currently in a good place with my feelings about being single so it’s good to look back on where I was when I originally wrote this (18th January 2018).

• I’ll give it 20mins
• I’ll look through every picture and read every bio
• Swipe
• Swipe
• I’ll give him a chance
• And him too
• I’ll say this to him
• Oh that would be a great opening line
• Swipe
• Swipe
• I could see us together
• He is so beautiful
• Should I check his Instagram?
• Shall I follow his Instagram?
• Why is he sharing his Instagram?
• I’m not sharing my Instagram
• Why – what’s there to hide?
• What if they read my blog and think that I’m weird
• I’m struggling to get a match as it is
• Swipe
• Swipe
• Oh shit 20mins has gone
• Still no matches
• Gloom
• What’s wrong with me?
• Do I persevere?
• Do I find another site?
• Do I forget online altogether?
• Swipe
• Swipe
• Am I being picky?
• No – I swiped right on so many I wouldn’t usually
• Is it my age?
• Are these guys even seeing me?
• Way to make me feel old
• What is wrong with me?
• What is wrong with them?
• Swipe
• Swipe
• I can’t even get a date let alone have a bad relationship
• Oh my god this is disastrous
• What a way to make you feel small
• Unwanted
• But I am wanted
• I got a few likes from guys from the other site
• No-one I would personally choose
• I now feel sorry for them
• Empathy
• Fucking empathy
• I’m single and I’m wallowing for other people who could be having more luck than me
• Why am I such a sensitive fucker?
• Swipe
• Swipe
• Swipe
• S
• W
• I
• P
• E
• Delete!!!!!!

Deep – desperate – depressing?

I know that I’m not the only person who has felt like this when faced with a phone full of potential that leads to empty promises and pipe dreams.

So to anyone who has stumbled across my post and is currently feeling like this, I encourage you to delete the app until you feel good again.

Feeling even more vulnerable seeing my soliloquy pasted on my blog, I took a well-deserved procrastination break and logged into my email account. The most recent email was from DDS Magazine entitled ‘Online Dating Secrets for Black Women’. Yup – most definitely a sign that I had to continue to write.

But first, I wanted to know these secrets……

I was stopped in my tracks when I came across this line “We’ve all seen the unfortunate stats showing that black women have the worst luck with online dating……….

WAIT A MINUTE – HOLD THE PAGE

What stats were these? For years I had been pushing away the thoughts that perhaps dating for me was going to be harder being a black woman. For years as I listened to my friends and shook my head in shared disbelief when they questioned “Why/how are you still single?” and asked (with kindness) “What is wrong with you?”. I didn’t want to wave the ‘race card’ or shout “Because my chances are slimmer because of the colour of my fucking skin” – so I kept silent.

But now I know there are stats, I felt like a HUGE ‘this is not about you’ weight had been retrieved from my shoulder. Now it all made sense:

• When friends would tell me how they had been on 3 dates in one week – with 3 different guys and in return I would share that I’d finally got a match that had actually started a conversation
• The fun dates that fizzled out
• Those comments: “You’re pretty…..for a black girl” “I bet you’re naughty”, “You look so young – black don’t crack – high five sister” Ugh – NO!
• “I think you’re ace but I would never date a black girl” (said by black guy)
• THE FRIENDS ZONE!

I love research and statistics so naturally I dived in.

There seems to be a pattern emerging with my year of vulnerability. I read something and then I cry. The last couple of days have been no different. Reading website after website which shared stats and quotes – sticking two fingers up at black women – at ME! All I could do was cry!

Cry at the statistics that show if you’re a Black Woman or an Asian Man then you’re at a disadvantage when it comes to online dating – Source here and stats from an OKCupid 2014 study here (pic below). We are the least desirable of the races…….great!

Although racism is mentioned in the article on a fair few occasions, I personally don’t believe it is wholly that. In a previous post, I mentioned that many people have hidden (so hidden they are unaware of them) biases against other people/races. Well I think this is most certainly what is in play here.

Plus – there is the fact that people can’t help who they are attracted to – that’s not racist, they just have a preference. I was asked recently what’s my type and I really struggled to answer because I don’t believe I have a type. I mulled over the question for a few days wondering if that’s why I was single because I didn’t know what/who my type was. After reading the articles I actually think other people focusing on their ‘types’ not only makes me invisible but keeps their closed-minded blinkers on. So I’m happy to continue not having a type (looks wise).

Aaah preference. I often wonder when looking at people if their preference is their thoroughly thought out choice or someone else’s?

When I moved in with my then boyfriend, I will always remember a discussion we had about how we had our cups of tea. He had one sugar in his and I had two in mine. The reason? That’s just how our family have it. We actually couldn’t remember ever being asked how we wanted our tea. We both decided to try tea without sugar and I haven’t had sugar in my tea since.

What does tea have to do with this you may be thinking? I wondered if the lack of preference to black women could be due to the mass majority of people being swayed by mainstream media. You only have to pick up a magazine, turn on a TV show, watch a film to see that the black woman is rarely anywhere to be seen. When they are, it will be the lighter skinned (less offensive) black or mixed women. Or, the black woman will play a stereotype (diva/brash/sassy/independent/intimidating/angry black woman) and it doesn’t matter if you hail from England, Paris, Brazil, South Africa, Ethiopia, America, Cameroon, Haiti, Barbados, St Kitts, Jamaica, Ivory Coast, Zimbabwe (I could go on and on and on) you are tarnished with the same thick black varnish! In media we often don’t get to be individuals!

Unfortunately I’m not innocent in all of this and have also been brought up with the whitewashed media. My results from the AIT test showed that subconsciously I had a slight preference to lighter skinned people too. It didn’t shock me but it did upset me.

As devastating as this fact is, it gives me comfort that I am now aware of this fact, instead of it being a lingering thought I’ve been trying to shoo away. I’ve been single for over 10 years and yes I believe these statistics have something to do with it. Blowing my own trumpet for a minute – I can tick the same characteristics as another (lighter skinned) woman and yet I won’t be the one who gets the guy. Alas, the only box I haven’t been able to tick is ‘not black’. Experience from dating events, online dating, going out, school days, life and years of comparing myself have proved this.

Last night I actually cried a little in the dark as I was trying to get to sleep. Life is hard as it is and I know I’m privileged in so many ways and I am forever grateful for this. I am in good health, I have a roof over my head, a well paid job, some great friends, a loving family, stamps in my passport – yet I still felt tired.

Tired of feeling like I have to scrub away prejudices, battle misconceptions, change perceptions. Tired of having to work a lot harder, smile that little bit brighter, be a tad more friendlier. Tired of swiping with no honest match in site. Tired!

There is a shift happening and I hope to play a part in pushing that shift forward – faster! By being unapologetically me and showing that my skin colour is only a part of who I am.

So…….on I plod as I still think life is frickin awesome and a change really is a coming! Starting with my hair……bye-bye braids – it’s time to curl!

 

Emma x

Instagram: @emmalouhalliday

p.s. If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.