Sex education at my school was as useful as a condom pierced by a pin prick (no pun intended). What I do recall was some outdated pictures showing the inside of the male and female body – if you’d arrived to the lesson late, you could have easily thought it was a Science class.
“Oh man – I thought double Biology was tomorrow….”
Still, I learnt a bit more from school than I did from my parents. That’s because……..we never spoke about it.
Maybe it’s because in England we tend to have a ‘stiff upper lip’ and there are certain things you ‘don’t talk about’?
Not satisfied with the school lesson, I decided to take matters into my own hands. One weekend I had a friend stay over, so that meant a trip to Blockbusters. Man, I loved that video store. Bring back Blockbusters – I won’t go, it’s out of the way, so inconvenient, but oh that place, the memories!
- “Dad. We’d like to rent this one”
- “You can’t rent this – it’s a 15 and it says In bed with Madonna“
- “Dad. That just means Madonna is interviewed on her bed. It’s probably a 15 as it swears a bit. Please”
- “Okay. If you’re sure. I’m gonna look like a right bloody fool getting this. Silly name.”
God bless my Poppa Bear, I knew how to wrap him around my finger.
Silly name indeed! Me and my friend thought it was actually going to be about sex. Instead the ‘lie’ I told my dad, wasn’t a lie at all!
So Madonna couldn’t teach us about sex but that didn’t stop us singing about it! And as I grew up in the 90s, there were a lot of songs with hidden innuendos, others didn’t mince their words – ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ anyone? I was a 12 year old that knew all the words to ‘Come Baby Come’ – remember K7? (videos below to refresh your mind)
Young women’s magazines and ‘Mills and Boon’ books (I’m not sure why but we had several in our book cupboard – so of course I read them) provided an additional layer to my sex knowledge. If anyone wanted to know about ‘burning loins’ or ‘writhing with passion’ then I was your gal.
Because I didn’t know better, I thought I had a well balanced view of sex. In fact, I don’t recall ever looking back thinking that my sex education somewhat lacked.
Until Tuesday Night.
Courtesy of Julia Cameron’s book ‘The Artist’s Way’, I have been going on an artist date – which is a solo date I promise to myself – once a week.
This week I went to an ‘Open-Mic’ night, hosted by Scarlet Ladies*, entitled:
#ITalkSex
I left my judgement at the door and entered with an open mind, not even trying to anticipate what the night would bring.
The energy that came from the room made me feel calm. The usual: ‘I’m scared, who will I talk to, what will I say’ chatter didn’t occupy my mind. Instead, after the standard “I’m so and so” introductions, the natural progression was to discuss the reason why we were there. The responses below highlight the diversity that was in the room:
I not only felt proud to be in a room full of women from all backgrounds. I also felt pure gratitude that an event like this was in fact possible and fell in love with London that little bit more.
The floor opened, with the question:
“Why do you talk sex and what does it mean to you?”
I sat forward, drinking in every word that came from each and every women’s lips. Confident to ‘just be’ due to the promise that there would be no pressure to speak. I laughed, welled up, nodded in agreement, raised my eyebrows with interest, flushed with comfortable embarrassment and felt so many emotions. I had love for the courageous women who shared their stories, and love for the women listening, respecting, admiring!
About ten women put themselves in the spotlight that evening. Ten very different women – their ages, their backgrounds, their personalities, their stories…..
I can hand on heart confess that the two hours I spent hearing the extremely varied #ITalkSex stories provided the most rewarding sex education I’ve learned in my 36 years on this earth. Strong statement huh?! The reason?
Instead of sitting on the periphery of sex talk, we dived right in: consent, our bodies, the language we use, celibacy, expectations, sexism, education, choices etc. my mind opened as I listened and learned and questioned…..
- Why have I never thought about the words I use?
- Why don’t we talk more like this?
- Why didn’t I know about that?
- Why is sex talk so taboo?
I left the event (after becoming a Member of Scarlet Ladies* – of course) feeling a new type of amazing. Feeling lighter – partly due to the weight and worry of me ‘being single’ shifting. I decided that at this moment in time, online dating is not for me – so I won’t be joining Guardian Soulmates to meet an ‘average mingler‘
I also felt inspired to blog about this to highlight how important I think it is to talk and listen – most importantly listen – about sex. Not just the act of sex but everything that goes with it (as referenced above).
SEX**
We clearly know it happens. It’s in magazines, newspapers, it’s in songs, on TV and films! And babies! There are so many babies!!
Yet, we still don’t talk about it (person to person). Well not in the way that we could – a way that could make a difference.
To make someone feel less ‘alone’, less like an ‘odd-ball’ – to not feel like the ‘only one‘. To feel strong enough to say ‘That’s not right’, ‘I don’t want that’, ‘This is what I want’ and ‘NO’.
To understand about consent and feel confident to speak about experiences. Take school for example: bra straps twanged, being accidentally touched groped, being spied on whilst getting dressed in the changing rooms…..ALL which happened to me!
There is so much I could say on this topic, but I will end the post with a quote from a woman admire very much:
“Regardless of who we are, how we were raised or what we believe, all of us fight hidden, silent battles against not being good enough, not having enough and not belonging enough. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding, and end the silence.”
Brené Brown
That right there is what I experienced on Tuesday night and it was beautiful.
Emma x
Instagram: @emmalouhalliday
p.s. If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.
*Scarlet Ladies is London’s leading community of women committed to opening conversations and breaking down stigma around women’s sexuality. By destigmatising the conversation around female sexuality, we help women grow in confidence, love their bodies and live boldly in all aspects of life, without fear or shame. (words taken from Scarlet Ladies Eventbrite page, here)
**I decided to update some of this post on my lunch, which included the word SEX. Getting back to work, I send my colleague an email with a document to print. Queue squeals of laughter and a shocked “Emma, why does it say sex on this document?”. Testing out fonts I had typed SEX on the document in large bold letters and forgot I had done it before sending her it. We laughed so hard, there was most definitely tears and stomach cramp. Clearly I mean it when I say I want to talk about sex – although I’m not sure how I would have reacted if it was a colleague that didn’t know I blogged about vulnerability!
(Now it’s time to dance……..)
Great post!! That quote from Brene Brown was also really relatable. I couldn’t help but laugh when you spoke about sex education. Unfortunately for me my mom brought out a pop up book to help the conversation along. I’m sure you can imagine how horrifying that was! Somethings don’t belong in a pop up book! 😂 But yes, sex talk is so strange. That group sounds like it really benefited you and I wish I lived in London to join. I have a lot of mixed up feelings about sex (how it makes me feel, what I feel my position is, how it’s represented in society, how people who have a lot of it or have never had it are made to feel – how this differs by gender) it really is such a complicated issue. Again, great post!! 💜
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Thanks Arbie 🙂 Brene Brown is truly great – I could quote her all day. Haha! OMG a pop up book?! I’ve never heard about them – I can only imagine what is popping up. How old were you when you had that wonderfully horrifying experience? It really did, more than I could have wished for – so I’m looking forward to attending other talks. Where do you live? Some interesting questions you raise about sex, the latter I haven’t thought about but now I too am curious. Such an interesting topic. Thanks so much for reading and joining in the discussion xx
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What a great experience! I think I’d like your Scarlet Ladies.
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It was indeed fantastic. I think you would too. You’d definitely fit in with the women- they were hilarious 😘
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I enjoyed this post very much! As a woman who has embraced her sexual freedom in the past few years, I can totally relate to all these subjects they touched on. Polyamory, the expectation, the act and the vulnerability we feel when we are in the throes of passion with a man, all comes down to how comfortable you feel in your own skin. There are many points of insecurity when it comes to sex, how we view our bodies and why we want the lights off during, and I think those conversations are not being had as often as they should. I am so happy to hear that Scarlet Ladies exist, and that you were apart of such a fantastic discussion. We need more groups like that! I wonder if they have a chapter here in New York? It may be worth a look. And oh, those songs you posted, what a throwback!!
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Thank you 😊 I’m so pleased to hear that you’ve managed to embrace your sexual freedom – have you managed to keep it up? You definitely hit the nail on the head – really does come back to how comfortable we feel. I often compare and judge myself and if it’s not that it’s the secrecy and guilt around sex!! Aaah!! The conversation definitely needs to change so people are more sex positive. It’s such a wonderful group. They’ve just started but are already talking about how it can be expanded. One thing they said they’re going to do here is have guys be invited to come to one event every quarter. I think that will be powerful. Hehe!! I’m not sure a song with those lyrics would be allowed now. Ha ha
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Yes, I have totally managed to keep up my sexual freedom, more so now than ever as I approach 40! I think as women in general, as we get older, it is no secret that we grow wiser, but when it comes to sexuality we become more aware of what WE like as opposed to just going along with men and engaging in the act with them controlling the reigns when it comes to pleasure. I am very excited that this conversation is being had and the movement is growing, because for so many years, it was MEN who dictated the pleasure portion of sex. Let’s face it, they were mostly just “in and out” and women were left unsatisfied and went through life like that trapped in unfulfilling relationships and marriages. But not any more! And I am proud to be such a woman, who never settles for anything less than getting my needs met sexually. And yeah, those songs were awesome! It was such a better time back then really, even if we kids didn’t understand the lyrics. Thanks for replying! ❤
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Yes. Go you. So pleased to hear this. Yes so true. My friend recently shared a story of how she felt comfortable enough with her partner to tell him what she liked and wanted and then with that she was able to let go and truly enjoy herself. It was so powerful to read. Years ago so many people used to laugh at Sting when they heard about tantric sex and now it’s on the rise. As is intimacy. There is a big sexual shift taking place. How exciting. 🤗
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