[This read is a longer one. I read through it in 8mins and it’s my work – so I’d say give yourself 10mins]
I’ve read a couple of things of late that have made me so angry. Usually when I come across something that makes my blood boil, I keep my thoughts buried.
But sometimes silence isn’t enough.
I know it’s because I’ve been looking at the issues I’m about to raise through a personal lens. It’s also been triggered due to my family’s recent visit to London to stay with me last weekend.
I’m all for a debate, they’re vital – when carried out correctly as rarely is anything black and white.
Well that should say, I’m all up for people debating and voicing their opinions. I’m usually stood at the side-lines winning imaginary heated discussions which miraculously open people’s minds.
Whenever I do actually voice my opinions – in the real world, not Emma Land! I try to be as open-minded as possible, leaning in from different angles, willing to be swayed. I also bring my personal experience into the fold wherever possible.
So when reading points of view that could only possibly come from people who hadn’t actually spent time thinking about the issue. From people who are so far removed from the topic at hand that they may as well have been from another planet.
Well….that’s when my words won over my silence!
My Gripe
A study was shared on Facebook that showed women were waiting later in life to have children and that it is no longer classed as such a high risk to have a baby after 35 years old, which in the medical world was coined a ‘geriatric pregnancy’.
Heavily scattered between posts from mothers that were in their late 30’s and early 40s, who shared pictures of their healthy newborns with beaming descriptions of how happy they were. There were ignorant one liners, criticism and comments that could only cause pain.
People saying that these women were selfish, because:
- children should have young/energetic mothers
- older mothers will die earlier than younger mothers
There were even comments saying that if they wanted children and couldn’t have them by a certain age, then they should have adopted earlier, as there are plenty of children that need a home.
As my thumb continued to scroll through the vitriol from young women, people who were already blessed with children and men, oh so many men – I could feel my jaw clench and noticed my breathing had changed. Oh yes, I had just entered into seething mode.
I’m not the type of person to jump in and feed the trolls on social media sites. Although I have done once before and what I said actually made an impact and led to the person who wrote the cruel message to delete it. Hmmm maybe I could be a social media superhero! I may share this story in another post but right now I don’t want to digress from this issue close to my heart.
So I put aside my iPad, since my 3mth break I only access Facebook on my iPad which I keep at home, and made my self a cup of tea! Us Brits!
Nerves calmed. Seriously, a cuppa is like timeout for adults! I tried to view the points from their perspectives.
I got it. From a surface level view-point. A flat one-dimensional point of view.
Topics like these deserve attention. Not a quick throwaway comment before moving on to join a discussion on whether ‘cheese and onion’ or ‘salt and vinegar’ are better crisp flavours.
Before these people mindlessly typed their response had they actually considered:
- speaking to someone who had an older mother or was an older mother?
- that there are many mothers with health issues that although young, they too don’t have the energy?
- that many children may have lost a young parent? Death doesn’t just visit the elderly.
So, I’m stepping forward with my personal experience.
I was brought up by older parents, they were 50 years my senior. Not only that but they were white too, this post isn’t about the difference in our skin colour, but you can read about that here Back to Black 🙋🏿
I loved my parents for who they were and spending time with my family this weekend reminded me how lucky I was, to be loved and to be wanted.
I’d be a liar if I said that having them as parents was always amazing. I have vague images of me trying to run away when I was about seven, suitcase packed I made it to the end of the street before forgetting why I was running away. Then I became a teenager with a penchant for banging doors whilst working out the strange changes to my mind and body – I didn’t very much like anyone!
There was also the time I was left embarrassed when my mum got barred from a pet shop. A bloody pet shop! I’d wanted a Guinea Pig so bad and she wanted me to have one. Having a disagreement in the pet shop my mum got told never to return. I’m not sure if that was before or after she told them to go: ‘Fuck your penguins’.
That story, whilst embarrassing then, and I wasn’t even there – makes me feel all warm with happy memories now. My family when together always reminisce about how they were. You see, my parents have both passed away, my Mum when I was 15 and my Dad when I was 23. Keeping the memories alive is all we have left.
It really upsets me that someone who hasn’t lived my life is dictating from the side-line that as older parents that they didn’t deserve me.
To think people would have preferred that I didn’t have the opportunity to have a great upbringing and spend quality time with my parents. To block me from being shaped into the person that I am now. To not have the chance to have silly fun times with my crazy family, who are still here (pic below) just because my parents were older. Now that hurts!
Of course I wasn’t ready for them to die but at any age they would have gone too soon. No matter what age someone you love dies, it will always break your heart.
I’m 36years old and I’ve been broody since I can remember. So the comments did feel like a personal attack on me. I’m often left doing ‘relationship + time x age – baby’ math and it weighs heavy on mind without even adding other people’s opinions into the sum!
I wonder how many women also reading the post felt like a selfish person, regardless of their background, their story? And how many will have thought twice about having a baby, due to these critics? That also hurts!
And for people to throw adoption into the ring like it’s the easy solution. Clearly they don’t know how hard it is for someone to actually get approved to adopt. My parents tried to adopt me, apparently going through court (I was too young to remember) but they were too old and white to be able to. Times have changed slightly but I know that it is still a tough process to go through.
I have always said that due to my upbringing I would like to adopt or foster children and that’s still the case. But I also have a deep yearning to experience the feeling of being pregnant, having the miracle of life growing inside me. And there is no way I’m going to let any naysayers derail me from that.
If a woman’s body wasn’t meant to have children after 35years old, then why is it capable of doing so?
I also want to know where the opinionated mob are when the men that are over 35 have children? Just because women carry the babies, why should they get all the stick? There are so many older fathers and minimum eyelids batted their way. Age is age and a parent is a parent.
This leads very nicely on to the second issue. I was going to rant about some ridiculous stats I’d seen and some seriously nasty badmouthing about single mothers. Women in the firing line – yet again! That shall be for a future post, I need to drink a lot more tea before I conquer this one.
If you’ve been guilty of airing your views on this topic without really thinking and looking into it, then I beg of you to take some time to look at different sides of the story. Indeed, I’m sure there are people who also have the personal experience and don’t agree with having children at a later age. You may come out of it with the same opinion and that’s okay, you’re allowed to but at least you’re wiser on the topic.
Before you become a keyboard warrior remember that the person who may happen across your post is a human, has feelings and has their reasons.
Emma x
Instagram: @emmalouhalliday If you like this post or any other of my blog posts, please feel free to like, comment or share with friends.
Brilliant post and I’m 100% with you. I’m absolutely sick of the battle on women for doing that awful thing of…aging. As if 30s and 40s is even old! You’re absolutely right to mention that the same attack doesn’t seem to be being placed on fathers in their late thirties and forties, it isn’t mentioned. Also, where is this park or whatever where all the young mothers are out with their children running and playing because the parks nearby me are usually empty other than right after school or the groups of teens that hang out there. It’s a load of nonsense. I don’t want to have a child until my mid-thirties at least. I could drop dead at any age like you said, but I don’t think I will be selfless enough to have a child or able enough to support one properly until that age. Damnit, now I’m ranting. There is so much pressure to do everything and be everything as a woman it’s ridiculous. Thank you for sharing your story. Great post and mother fudging high five and cuppa tea mug clink!
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The young mothers aren’t in the park either coz they’re also being judged as either easy or bad parents!! Worse thing is, those that judge us most critically, is other women!!
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Well that’s as much utter rubbish as what older mothers are going through. If someone is a good parent they’re a good parent regardless of age.
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Thanks Arbie 😊. I know – there are so many rules we must adhere to when aging. You are very much welcome to rant with me anytime you want. We shouldn’t have a designated timeframe when we should have children. A woman may be ready for it when they’re young, older or not at all and whatever she decides should be okay. Haha. Now that’s the type of cheers I like 😂 xx
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Great post Emma.. Opposite end of the spectrum to me.. I was 19 when I fell pregnant with my first.. And trust me I saw the judgement too, especially from other women.. We need to learn how to stand by one another instead of being ugly to each other all the tim..
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Thanks Ellen. Ugh – so sad that judgement comes from all angles. Hardly anyone is safe. Motherhood no matter what age is going to have its ups and downs and every woman is different. Thanks for posting x
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As an older parent, first baby at age 40, I can say that yes, I have less energy than I did when I was twenty-five or thirty. But I’m also sober now. I’m more thoughtful. Less selfish, Less likely to lash out when things don’t go my way. In general, maturity has made me a much better person. The energy I had when I was younger in no way trumps the wisdom I gained in the extra 15 years it took me to start a family.
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From reading your blog and chatting via the comments section I knew your age and know the ages of your children and not once did I think you were an older parent – just a parent. Same goes to the women I know. Thanks for sharing your experience. Just from reading this I’m feeling more confident about parenthood. Thank you. Wow. Your energy years ago must have been something else as I see you as ‘Mr Fit’ now with your running and spinning. Putting me to shame but not too much that I have joined a gym 😀.
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mostly I just had energy to go to the bar
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oh, and I’m sorry you lost your parents so young. My mother died when I was 21, and it really negatively affected me.
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I’m sorry to hear that you also suffered a loss at a young age. It’s such a hard thing to process at the best of times. I don’t want to pry but hope you managed to finally find some peace.
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You bought my book, right? The whole sordid mess is in there.
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OMG! Are you in my head? I’ve literally just opened my laptop, about to write a blog post which I’m going to mention that I bought your book. Haha! I’ve just finished reading ‘Girl on a Train’ and your book is the next I’m about to start reading.
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I’ve just read the first chapter. Wow! Great introduction. Learnt something new already.
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Great post Emma. I love reading your blogs. You are one of a few people that truly inspire me. I have a heap of kids and I can not see what difference the age of a parent makes. I have a range of friends of all ages and they all do a great job. The love is unconditional regardless of age. If we were only meant to have children between 25 and 30, why would out bodies let us! My mum is almost 60 and is a long term foster carer to two girls aged 8 and 12. They have been with her for nearly 4 years. I can honestly say they are the most loved and cherished little girls that have a more active social life than my children do! My mum finds energy and they keep her young too! At 35, I now have a whole lot more life experience and knowledge. I had my youngest when I just turned 21 and if I’m really honest, I was far too young. I would never change it for the world but if I could give anyone advice, it would be to see the world and learn to know and love yourself before having children. X
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Aww thank you Sarah. So grateful that you enjoy reading my blogs and that you’ve taken the time to share your thoughts. Really appreciate them 😊 You’ve hit the nail on the head with the unconditional love. Why should there be an age limit on that. Thanks so much for sharing your personal experiences. You’ve done a wonderful job as a mother alongside still growing up and learning about life yourself. I know at 21yrs old I could barely look after myself and wasn’t ready but my Auntie had her first child at 17 and it was the right thing for her. She doesn’t feel like she’s missed out. I really love that your mum is fostering at that age. They say we get older when we stop having fun so it’s great they’re keeping her young. It really melts my heart. Thanks again for your thoughts. Really enjoyed reading them xxxx
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I can tell you I am an older mother, so I am biased.
I didn’t even meet my husband until my late 20’s. I decided to get my master’s degree while working full time rather than have children right away. Then came the Great Recession. So, we waited.
I have no idea what things are like in Great Britain, but here is the US, I was considered lucky to get 6 weeks paid maternity leave. I was allowed to take another 6 weeks unpaid. I have to pay the equivalent of a mortgage payment each month to have a single child in daycare. I am the primary income in our house, so I had to be very well established in my career before we could come close to affording a family.
I have no idea how younger mothers afford having a child unless they either are extremely wealthy and can give up work or have a parent that can watch the child for them.
Frankly, I’m also tired of people judging others. I will never be: skinny enough, young enough, pretty enough, rich enough. Just never enough. Too bad for them I stopped buying into it.
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Hi Elizabeth. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I don’t see you as being biased but commenting from experience.
Oh gosh! I knew the US was bad with healthcare and rather meagre with annual leave but didn’t realise that the maternity leave was so low. The UK isn’t as bad as that – but is dependent on where you work. As I don’t have children I’m not entirely sure what it is but most women usually do between 9-12mths maternity.
Children do cost a lot of money, I can barely budget for myself at the moment but I guess it’s a case of adjusting. We humans are very adaptable.
I love that you’ve stopped buying into being judged by others. Buying in means never winning. X
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Yeah, most places offer 2weeks of vacation if you’re lucky. And healthcare is dependent on your employer and is very expensive.
Add to that the other challenges, and there’s a reason women wait until they’re older or forgo children altogether.
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Wow. That’s so bad. Is it paid vacation? I think the statutory holidays for the UK is 28 days which can be inclusive of our bank holidays (which are state holidays we get 7 a year). I personally get 27 days a year paid plus bank holidays but it’s going up to 29 days next year as I’ve worked at the company for 5yrs. We still have free healthcare at the moment which is amazing. It’s crazy the differences between countries.
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A company doesn’t have to give you any paid holidays or vacation. Many do to attract talent.
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