I am massively resisting when it comes to writing my next blog and have been putting it off – waiting for something epic to come to me.
The more I get into this cycle of putting it off, the easier it will become to sack it off all together. I’m sure you’ve been there before! I certainly have.
Letting it slowly slip into the pile of ‘what could have been’. Nestled together with ‘barely started’ and ‘broken dreams’ – turning into a haze of mind clutter that produces waves of guilt and toxic personal judgement.
So I’m writing. I’m here. I’m showing up! I’m going to continue what I started and I’m going to see it through to the end. I’m making myself accountable to………myself.
Fuck adding this to the list of things that makes me feel bad – I love writing and I want to be more vulnerable, so the show will go on.
I have been thinking a lot recently about the sudden wave of ‘No Fucks Given’ memes that are in constant flow on social media sites. At first I was like ‘hell yeah’ that’s the place that I want to be. To actually give no fucks would make my anxiety disappear and I would get much further with my goals.
This thought didn’t last long as I love to analyse everything and I mean everything! See things from another perspective and ensure what is being said is actually true before I share it with others. It’s a trait I actually admire in myself, although it also brings me to despair that I can’t just let things go – researching at 2am in the morning when I should have been asleep 3hrs ago does get tiring!
Every personality test I’ve done always comes up with the same traits:
✅I’m a people pleaser
✅I seek approval
✅I crave acknowledgement
Add this to my fear of rejection and receiving criticism and it has often meant that I haven’t done something because of fearing what others may think or say about me.
For years this has bugged me where I whimsically think……what could have been? I never stopped to think about the other side of the not giving a fuck coin. There’s a chance without me caring too much about what other people thought, I would have gone off the rails and my situation would have been so very different and maybe not for the better.
For example……I didn’t date a really dodgy guy when I was younger because I cared too much what people would think. Phew……..saved by the Fuck!
Being able to be thankful that I cared what people thought has given me a switch in mindset. I have come to the agreement that I’m going to learn to fly the flag for ‘Giving a Fuck’ alongside the flag that says – ‘Doing it Anyway’.
I am going to do the things that I really want to do, whilst still having the fear in my belly about what other people are going to think.
- I’m going to embrace it when I feel sad when someone is rude to me.
- I’m going to take it on the chin when I get rejected.
- I’m going to sit with my sorrow when I get criticised.
Why wouldn’t I want to experience all the feelings I have? This lets me know I’m alive and that I’m still me!
Part of my ‘year of vulnerability’ is to love who I am – warts, traits and all! Plus, I’ve noticed, the quicker I confront my feelings, the quicker they pass and I can move on.
So I am not going to pretend by posting a meme that I don’t give a fuck! That doesn’t resonate with who I am. Also, I actually think that meme is a bit of a contradiction as if you didn’t give a fuck why would you shout from the rooftops about not giving a fuck……… with a meme? It’s a bit on the passive aggressive side.
I have just finished reading a book called ‘The Antidote’ which was really heavy going, had a lot of theory but it was such a worthwhile read. There I was introduced to ‘Stoicism’ and how they live their lives, enduring and accepting pain and not running from their feelings. They often ask “What’s the worst that could happen?”
So, as I keep on raising my ‘Doing it Anyway’ flag – which actually churns my stomach just writing about it – gulp!!! I’m going to play that on loop in my head. “What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the worst that could happen?”
As I’m nearing the end of my post, which has taken a couple of hours to write as I procrastinate and dither and wonder what are people going to think. I ask myself what am I doing all this for?
I then look back over at the pile of ‘what could have been’ and look forward to ‘what still could be’ – there’s my answer!
What I know for sure is – today I’m not going to let other opinions of me stop me from doing what I love – tomorrow I may do, who knows! This is going to be a slow but progressive change.
What I also know for sure is – I’m going to post this on my blog and my hands are going to be clammy and I’m going to feel a bit sick. I’m going to give a fuck about what other people think!
And what I’ll finally know for sure is that both my flags are flying high and I’m going to be proud of that!
I’m Emma Halliday and I give a fuck! x